Retraction

Hey all...long time no talk...life has been a BIT busy to say the least. What with grad school, a new job (another one! long story...) and some big news I've been a bit occupied.

About a month ago I posted a very "heartfelt" piece on the trickery behind onesies. Little did I realize at the time that my reassuring statement at the beginning of the post was a LIE. I am in fact...pregnant. YOW! I had no clue at the time, and was wholeheartedly convinced the entire month I wasn't...despite having a two-week hangover and tackling Dave (hubby) on two separate occasions for food: once for a chocolate chip cookie, and the other time for a hot dog.

If you know me at all, I'm not exactly a hot dog eating type. I just hopped off the vegetarian bandwagon about 6 months ago and haven't exactly been plowing into hot dogs or other questionable "meat" at any frequency. Oh, and feeling queasy? I was convinced it was from a friend's birthday party- where we surely were celebrating "21" not 28- that really could've caused a 2 week hangover like I felt!

The hubby was convinced, and I wasn't. In an effort to show him who was right, I whipped out the handy EPT on coincidentally, our 4-year anniversary. That baby (no pun intended) barely blinked before a big fat positive came up on the screen. I quietly uttered to myself "mother fucker" in my ultimate shock. How could this be??! Granted we weren't exactly careful, there was that anniversary celebration...and the new job celebration...and the I'm starting grad school celebration...well you get the picture! I guess I just figured it wouldn't happen so soon...

I have been taking the past 6 weeks to adjust and surrender to my ever-changing body. I'm a runner but my shortness of breath tells me to power walk. I enjoy spicy foods but my queasy tummy says how bout a plain bagel with egg whites instead? Not to mention feeling like death while juggling a sales job, grad school homework and trying to pull off a "composed" image to those unknowing individuals around me, I was exhausted. I finally let people know- I'm pretty much all tum & chest so it's not that subtle anymore!

Yesterday I realized why I was going through all of this. I went to the doc for our very first ultrasound...it was nothing short of amazing. Dave laughed as I had to yet endure one other object shoved up my lady business (he cringed when the metal speculum was crammed in there during his front row seating at last week's appointment)- but the result was much more rewarding this time. On the 1992-era GE ultrasound we saw our first picture of Baby, and "she" was perfect. We also saw a fast flicker indicating the heartbeat...and I forgot about every complaint I had.

Today when I was teary about my tight jacket and growing belly, I was reminded of what's really going on when I looked at the picture again...maybe it's because it's our little one, but I swear it looks cuter than your typical ultrasound specimen already :)

P.S. I haven't gone crazy buying onesies (it's no fun when you don't know the sex!), but today we did spend $100 on our unborn baby's library! reformed shopaholic? forget it with these hormones!

Change of Scenery

Change is good, right? After the past few years, I've learned that most change is good for the soul, but there also comes a point where change no longer benefits you or those around you. Granted, I didn't always feel this way. After much monotony, and little growth in my life, I decided to change every aspect I could possibly affect. I came up with about 8 major ways to become unstuck all at once and it resulted in an emotional overload. Sort of like a kid's first time jumping in a pool- it took a scary experience of feeling like I couldn't breathe, a rescue from a certain life preserver of mine- and after the initial shock I was soon able to manage bits of change without freaking out. However, I also learned not to dive in the deep end unprepared again.

The past few years in my career have been a bit tumultuous at times, but nonetheless amazing growth experiences for me. Only recently did I finally have to say "uncle" when I looked around me and nothing was the same as when I started, and not necessarily in a way that was healthy. Today I finally said goodbye to my company after a long grieving process- that started a year ago. Why did I stay around so long you ask? The same way love is blind, was my affection for my job. A glamorous Internet start-up, which was a sure-to-be-big company a few years down the road. The talent, the people, the ideas, the friendships developed. It was my five year home. Or so I thought, hoped, wished.

I don't know how to sum up the changes in one sentence, in fact it could probably fill a book, and they certainly amount to more than my initial 8ish changes that almost crumbled me a few years ago. I stayed strong, unbreakable, because I had no option. I had to press forward. I wanted to press forward in hopes of things picking back up again. But one day the sun disappeared and in the darkness it was a home I didn't know anymore.

Of course, this all sounds very dramatic, but if you were in the inside lines with me you wouldn't dispute- you would merely nod your head with the same knowing I feel. The next few days ahead of me I have great hopes for- and the next few years even more. What I can endure, I become stronger for- and I believe sticking through discomfort for an entire year can bring unbelievable growth. I just am not sure I would ever recommend it...