What blog?

The other day it occurred to me that it's been FOREVER since I posted. I partially forgot I had a blog...pregnancy brain already??

Needless to say, my first trimester was completely overwhelming. I didn't think having a baby on top of starting grad school, a new job, and building a house was possible. I truly believe there's a reason why you are pregnant for 9 months- it takes that long to mentally adjust and be ready for the baby!

Each week I adapted to the idea a little more...now my belly is really growing (I still look in the mirror and have to remind myself it's a baby- not a beer belly!), I'm really starting to understand the concept that in 5 1/2 months it won't just be Dave & I! I've gone from freak-out to excitement mode, with plenty of nausea, tossing my cookies, headaches and general exhaustion between the two emotions.

I finally feel like myself again, well as close as I can get right now... I had just a little bit of an "edge" to me that first trimester, so maybe it was better I didn't post too much :)

In other news we've officially decided to keep the baby's sex a surprise- if I have to get through child birth I figured that would motivate me to push! I totally think it's a girl and am obsessed with any wives tale stories...according to Chinese Gender Calculators (http://www.thebump.com/calculators/ChineseGenderChart.aspx?MsdVisit=1), "timing" and ahem positions...among other methods of telling (plus my undying FRUIT obsession) I am convinced. I guess we will just find out October 17th when this little one makes its debut!

Retraction

Hey all...long time no talk...life has been a BIT busy to say the least. What with grad school, a new job (another one! long story...) and some big news I've been a bit occupied.

About a month ago I posted a very "heartfelt" piece on the trickery behind onesies. Little did I realize at the time that my reassuring statement at the beginning of the post was a LIE. I am in fact...pregnant. YOW! I had no clue at the time, and was wholeheartedly convinced the entire month I wasn't...despite having a two-week hangover and tackling Dave (hubby) on two separate occasions for food: once for a chocolate chip cookie, and the other time for a hot dog.

If you know me at all, I'm not exactly a hot dog eating type. I just hopped off the vegetarian bandwagon about 6 months ago and haven't exactly been plowing into hot dogs or other questionable "meat" at any frequency. Oh, and feeling queasy? I was convinced it was from a friend's birthday party- where we surely were celebrating "21" not 28- that really could've caused a 2 week hangover like I felt!

The hubby was convinced, and I wasn't. In an effort to show him who was right, I whipped out the handy EPT on coincidentally, our 4-year anniversary. That baby (no pun intended) barely blinked before a big fat positive came up on the screen. I quietly uttered to myself "mother fucker" in my ultimate shock. How could this be??! Granted we weren't exactly careful, there was that anniversary celebration...and the new job celebration...and the I'm starting grad school celebration...well you get the picture! I guess I just figured it wouldn't happen so soon...

I have been taking the past 6 weeks to adjust and surrender to my ever-changing body. I'm a runner but my shortness of breath tells me to power walk. I enjoy spicy foods but my queasy tummy says how bout a plain bagel with egg whites instead? Not to mention feeling like death while juggling a sales job, grad school homework and trying to pull off a "composed" image to those unknowing individuals around me, I was exhausted. I finally let people know- I'm pretty much all tum & chest so it's not that subtle anymore!

Yesterday I realized why I was going through all of this. I went to the doc for our very first ultrasound...it was nothing short of amazing. Dave laughed as I had to yet endure one other object shoved up my lady business (he cringed when the metal speculum was crammed in there during his front row seating at last week's appointment)- but the result was much more rewarding this time. On the 1992-era GE ultrasound we saw our first picture of Baby, and "she" was perfect. We also saw a fast flicker indicating the heartbeat...and I forgot about every complaint I had.

Today when I was teary about my tight jacket and growing belly, I was reminded of what's really going on when I looked at the picture again...maybe it's because it's our little one, but I swear it looks cuter than your typical ultrasound specimen already :)

P.S. I haven't gone crazy buying onesies (it's no fun when you don't know the sex!), but today we did spend $100 on our unborn baby's library! reformed shopaholic? forget it with these hormones!

Intentions

For those of you who may not know, I recently started my MBA. I am thoroughly enjoying my first class "Executive Skills", which is all about public speaking, email etiquette, writing proposals...all of the important daily stuff that we sometimes neglect. My professor is wildly entertaining...not to mention I instantly liked her when she wore too-cute Coach shoes to our first class (is that shallow? I appreciate someone with sassy style!)

Last night during one of her informative rants she was discussing intentions and boundaries. Why is it that a close friend or spouse can confide in you anything- or provide candid advice or opinions to you without fear? It isn't what they say that navigates any boundaries, it is the intention behind it. I never really thought of it that way. Essentially you can share whatever you feel with those close girlfriends, and hopefully your significant other, because they know it's coming from your heart and you don't mean harm (at least, that's how it should be). On the flip side, if someone you barely knew or trusted said something similar you might be grossly offended. Ex: The IT guy at work comments on how bold your new hairstyle is...BOLD?! What does that mean. Who is he to comment!! Am I right?

I am fortunate to have several close friends in my life that I have this relationship with...they understand that at the heart I care about them, and would never say anything with the intent to hurt. However I am not always the smoothest operator and sometimes excitement or passion overshadows my tiny ration of tact that I possess (thanks, Dad). Or my loving husband who I've said a few things to and really meant out of love, although a few haven't sat as well as I intended...there was a "pear shaped" comment I made when he complained about his jeans not fitting right. I meant it as a consolation but you may imagine how that really went down. NOTE: Do not ever tell a MAN he is pear-shaped. There is no shovel that will dig you out of that.

The class provided a good lesson...build relationships with those around you on the foundation of good intentions. But my biggest takeaway was thankfulness, for all those in my life (you know who you are) that I can truly be myself with and honesty always comes from the heart. <3

The Onesie & Tiny Shoes

First off, disclaimer: I am not pregnant. Phew!

I am convinced there exists a sick marketing plot- with the culprit being soft colors, tiny versions of leggings, fashionable shoes and of course the onsie- that tried to trick me into this major life decision. First of all, how freaking cute are those tiny shoes! Sometimes I feel like Liz Lemon and just want to start a stash in my purse for those rough days. Second of all, it's every marketers dream. BABIES = MONEY. A whole other person on this planet to consume products, wear tiny fashions that are outgrown a week later, and go through many many packages of $100 diapers (they must be that expensive, right?!) AND Don't even get me started on the onesie. With their cute sayings ("Party in my crib, 2am") and their fun patterns, it is hard not to want to find a tiny little person to put in them and parade around. We will revisit the onesie a bit later.

But seriously, the hubby and I have only been married not even six months and this question must come up every time we see our family. At first we were bummed our honeymoon didn't create a bright, bouncing combination of our stellar DNA (but you can bet we certainly tried! repeatedly! ha) Then, we realized, we had so much time ahead of us. It was the pressure of "what's next"? that created this internal complex as each month seems to tick by without that nine month countdown.

It was only until I took a big step back that I realized, I just wanted a tiny version of "us" to dress, parade around and look cute. I don't know that I want or am ready to take care of a baby outside of the happy fun moments (2 am feedings? Constant laundry? Crying? Looking like a sleep-deprived zombie?) Sure, every parent says the negative things are completely worth it, and I'm sure there right. But damn it'd be incredibly selfish to procreate on the sole purpose of finding an outlet for my stash of onesies (although I bet my husband will create some darn cute kiddies!)

PS if you think about it, the onesie is only cute on tiny ones...let's remember the onesie for adults, aka the Bodysuit, circa 1992. Yikes! let's NEVER bring that one back, k?

Exposed!

As a follow up to my previous post, I thought I'd share a funny story from yesterday.

The hubby & were walking through Whole Foods last night, waiting for our yummy pizza to be created (highly recommend btw!), when he looked down at my new, fabulous boots that I may have managed to smuggle past him from the UPS guy. His eyes traveled from my boots up to my eyes, which deftly avoided contact with his. And the smirk started to spread across his face. I of course adeptly denied that these were not in fact, delivered in the rather large box I received from Martin & Osa last week.

Why must he be so perceptive?! I mean, I totally appreciate that he still pays attention to the detail, but man I cannot sneak anything past him.

And p.s. this is the second time I was found out. The other time was with my new cable-sweater Uggs...we were at Home Depot riding the escalator and I managed to take a broad stance, putting my cutely adorned foot in front of us. Exposed again!!

p.p.s. If one attempts to smuggle said boots by husband, be prepared to spend extra $$ at GameStop to appease him...

Made for walkin

Well, I think we've established by now that I have a bit of an obsession with anything clothing/fashion/shopping related...I've been able to restrain myself to a certain extent given impending large financial purchases (ahem, house). However there is one weakness I cannot seem to fight: BOOTS. It sounds silly, right? But you live in Chicago for a winter and you will understand this obsession. (Although I must confess only a few of my pairs actually protect against the weather.)

What started out as an innocent dabbling a few years ago has turned into a full blown need for boots of every occasion, weather, outfit, day...and the list goes on. I recently counted and I have grown my collection from the basic brown & black heeled boots plus a pair of warm winter Merrell boots to TWELVE pairs. Yikes! Not to mention I've had to stash said pairs of boots in all nooks & crannies within our tiny condo to avoid the discovery of said obsession by my husband (who may be reading this- honey I swear, they were all on sale!)

While the number seems absurd, I can't seem to part with any of the pairs and my quest still continues. I have boot envy; like the cute powder blue Hunter wellies I spotted on the bus last week, or the ugly but so warm & yummy tall Uggs everyone has been sporting...sigh. Sometimes I think my only self-restraint against seeking out more pairs is the knowledge that 1) I have no more room 2) complete and utter guilt and 3) husband will eventually have to move out to accommodate boot obsession (for both space & frustration reasons).

It all boils down to this: there is something comforting about wearing the perfect pair. Warm, comfortable, sassy, the perfect complement to any outfit, and ultimately protection for that gross winter slush/snow/ice. For now, I shall just have to "make due" with my limited collection.

Where the Heart Is

Over the holidays I was able to spend time with family, friends, loved ones...it was my first venture back to Michigan since wedding season and it's amazing how much has happened in just a few short months. Whenever I travel back "home", it seems that I get my bearings back. I know what I want, who I am, where I want to be...and then I travel back to Chicago and it seems my compass just spins round & round and never can find North.

There's something inexplicable about the love, joy and peace that I feel when we're home visiting, and it's not just during the holidays when those feelings are a'plenty. I was young and impatient when I fled that state seeking independence, only to find it was within me, and I ran away from those I loved. The cost of finding my independence was a price I still am paying for...sure I have cherished all of the people I've met, experiences I've had, and growth I've experienced in love and life. Maybe I wouldn't have grown had I stayed. However I can't help but wonder why my path just won't cross again with the place I love so much.

Regardless of where we are planting down roots, I still feel as though my spirit only truly returns when I venture back to my true home. Will that ever change?? I don't know...but the pangs of missing, all of it, still ache after a few weeks. For now, I will focus on building our home here and hope I find that feeling, even if it's only a small shadow of the Michigan love I have deep within...

Winter Haze

Perhaps it's all the baked goods, pumpkin gingerbread mega lattes, or the change of the seasons, but lately I just feel like I'm walking around in a fog! With the job switch, the busy holiday season and the mental overload of changes ahead (see previous blog posts for deets) I haven't had much time to step back and think clearly. Every morning it's like WAKE UP! And a few cups of coffee later I'm back to functioning. My beach vaca to Florida cannot come soon enough (although, perhaps I should've said no to those muffins & lattes given the impending bikini fiasco!)

Aside from the fog, I do love this time of year for the sense of family, togetherness, celebration and general "warmth" not from the outside but from loved ones. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and wonderful New Year!

Party Virgin

So, I wanted to post a follow-up on my previous post http://tinyurl.com/yj5uuzl and let you all know how the party truly went down…

In planning my big party full of yummy apps, I failed to realize that in fact my family may actually help rather than make it a more stressful event. I've thrown a few parties, but never for family, and never with this much food (except for one disastrous Thanksgiving with 8 girlfriends which involved an uncooked turkey & 8 bottles of wine). So needless to say I was a bit nervous of my talents pulling through.

The party was set to start at 6:30, but somehow my eager parents ended up at the door by 4pm. Makeup-free and in the middle of a mess, I wasn't sure how I would pull it off...until something magic happened- they both just started helping. I resisted at first, but the result was unexpected: not enough time to make the twice-baked potatoes? Problem solved, (thanks Papa Bear)- we'll make a quick dish of candied sweet potatoes instead! No matter what issue came up- and there were quite a few in those final hours- we tackled it, TOGETHER. I've never felt such warmth in my heart as when we were all in the kitchen together. Mom chopping veggies (which she NEVER does, I might add), PB monitoring the sophisticated oven schedule (cannot WAIT for my dual oven in the new house!), lil sis arranging platters & the hubby preparing the bar.

Most everyone arrived early, and all came bearing gifts...in the end everyone had a blast, were well fed, and most important I skipped my final appetizer in lieu of spending time with my family out of the kitchen. To make that call proved to me, I AM grown up...and who cares what they really think! They all put on a happy face & dug into the food.

Happy Thanksgiving. Today I am thankful I get to EAT & not cook :)

Just call me Martha

For some bizarre reason- that I will get to- I decided to host a pre-Thanksgiving cocktail party for my entire family. Granted this idea was birthed after many glasses of champagne (ahem witness profile picture for background)...it seemed brilliant at the time.

My family has this belief that I am about 15 years old, and I continually attempt to prove them wrong. "Look at me I can buy a house!" to which I hear "Well, are you sure you can afford it?" "You know, I have a realtor I can recommend" or my favorite "Don't expect to decorate everything all at once, I mean we've been in our house 10 years and are just finishing projects!" Would you like to submit a timeline for which I should adhere to? Or perhaps just hold my hand as we skip to the bank, the realtor, and the home development office? I know, I should be thankful that my family cares so much...

Which brings me back to THE party. I decided to not only host everyone, but to create all 10 appetizers FROM SCRATCH complete with innovative presentation, ex "Butternut Squash Soup Shots" (actually more delish than it may sound). Why you may ask? Well, perhaps if I can pull it off everyone will realize "wow she truly IS all grown up". I mean, I have my fancy, well-stocked China Cabinet- and what "15 year old" has a full set of china?! So the end result is potentially great, but the past few days I've been working myself into a frenzy over the recipes. What if I'm missing an ingredient? What if it looks yummier on the page than the actual turnout? Should I really make the pizza dough from scratch or just swing over to Whole Foods?

The bottom line: I should've known better. I never do anything half-ass, and when it comes to my family I'm DESPERATE for their stamp of approval. Let's hope they behave after all of the wine I feed them first!

First Day of School

Ah, so it's been awhile since my last post...on top of the house transition I decided to switch jobs too. Life just can never be too boring for me! Or status quo, I should say...

Starting a new job brings me back to those first few days of school, except it's like you also transferred school districts. The predictability element of who will be there is no longer present, yet the familiar questions still persist: What to wear? Do I bring a lunch? Will they like me? Who will I sit next to? All of these questions kept me up most of the night before my first day, my stomach in knots...and I felt like a teenager again, obsessing over "the perfect outfit" or "the perfect lunch". Verdict? I usually ended up hating whatever outfit I picked, and ran out of time to make my lunch. HA! I repeated this same sequence last week for my first day.

So far, I'm closing in on my second week and I still don't have a lunch buddy, am getting better at the office attire, and at least have had a few meaningful conversations with my co-workers. However, the "lunch pool" is pretty small (I'm one of 8, and the only girl!), so that part I guess will just take time. For now, Macy's Holiday displays during my lunchtime walks have been keeping my spirits bright....fah la la la!

(And no, I haven't bought anything- yet- thank you...)

Change of Scenery

Change is good, right? After the past few years, I've learned that most change is good for the soul, but there also comes a point where change no longer benefits you or those around you. Granted, I didn't always feel this way. After much monotony, and little growth in my life, I decided to change every aspect I could possibly affect. I came up with about 8 major ways to become unstuck all at once and it resulted in an emotional overload. Sort of like a kid's first time jumping in a pool- it took a scary experience of feeling like I couldn't breathe, a rescue from a certain life preserver of mine- and after the initial shock I was soon able to manage bits of change without freaking out. However, I also learned not to dive in the deep end unprepared again.

The past few years in my career have been a bit tumultuous at times, but nonetheless amazing growth experiences for me. Only recently did I finally have to say "uncle" when I looked around me and nothing was the same as when I started, and not necessarily in a way that was healthy. Today I finally said goodbye to my company after a long grieving process- that started a year ago. Why did I stay around so long you ask? The same way love is blind, was my affection for my job. A glamorous Internet start-up, which was a sure-to-be-big company a few years down the road. The talent, the people, the ideas, the friendships developed. It was my five year home. Or so I thought, hoped, wished.

I don't know how to sum up the changes in one sentence, in fact it could probably fill a book, and they certainly amount to more than my initial 8ish changes that almost crumbled me a few years ago. I stayed strong, unbreakable, because I had no option. I had to press forward. I wanted to press forward in hopes of things picking back up again. But one day the sun disappeared and in the darkness it was a home I didn't know anymore.

Of course, this all sounds very dramatic, but if you were in the inside lines with me you wouldn't dispute- you would merely nod your head with the same knowing I feel. The next few days ahead of me I have great hopes for- and the next few years even more. What I can endure, I become stronger for- and I believe sticking through discomfort for an entire year can bring unbelievable growth. I just am not sure I would ever recommend it...

Nobody Likes A Gossip

For those of you who read this blog, I hope you enjoy my entries with the same light-hearted, creative spirit in which I write. I never thought I would have to write a disclaimer on my own writing, but I understand by writing in a public venue I open myself to both support and judgement.
By no means is my blog a final report for all of the happenings in my life. As you may be aware, most bloggers don't treat their blogs as a "news update", but rather a place to vent, share, and connect. If anything directly concerns you or will implicate you "off the page", trust me I will let you know.

To those of you who simply enjoy my blog for entertainment, thank you! :)

Me? Self restraint? Never.

I must start this entry by saying I'm a reformed shopper, seriously. But I may have to clarify this statement- buying a house isn't shopping right??! It's an investment...that will withstand the test of time, unlike the "super cute" wide leg seersucker pants I found at Anthropologie only a year ago and already seem so outdated (really, I only wore them once. tragic.)

It all started with a little cabin fever. The hubby & I returned from our wedding/honeymoon extravaganza, only to realize how truly small our place seemed. The solution? Decorate! Sure it helped, but there's nothing like the feeling of space. Especially when you have neighbors oh-so-kindly blaring music at 2 a.m., you have to truck groceries up 3 flights of stairs after navigating city traffic, and you never really get to know anyone in the revolving door rental market these days. Just to name a few things.

So take this cabin fever, sprinkle in a little bit of "I'm going to be 30 soon"(ahem, not me of course), add a dash of sympathy for our dogs' lack of happiness living in a box, and you bring us to about last Tuesday. On Wednesday, the adventure began. An innocent "peek" at a model in our friends' neighborhood turned to a follow-up email to a realtor, hours of research, calls to lenders, checks & balances of bank statements, and many discussions in our household. Which brings us to yesterday. Ah, Saturday. The idle day that can lead to so much trouble.

We set up another innocent appointment, this time with the realtor of the property development. Oh wait- I forgot to mention- we didn't start looking at starter homes, fixer-uppers, or houses to later trade in- no we started with the Big Kahuna. A whopping 3200 sq foot, shiny, brand new, build to suit special. "Completely practical" we reassured one another! "A deal we can't pass up!" "Just the way we want it..." After spending 2 1/2 hours with the "kind", "honest" realtor I (not we) abruptly agreed to drop off a check the following morning. Oops. I thought we both agreed on that??

Fast forward 24 more hours: I have in hand an intent-to-purchase agreement, a cloud overhead hoping all of the magic set to happen before our final appointment this Friday does in fact happen, and a now happy husband that's on the same page. After sorting through a stack of home magazines, paint swatches, and a few hours at Home Depot, I'm hoping soon I can just enjoy the massive case of butterflies I have for Lot #105. However, as the dear hubby would say, "This may kill you before our house is done". HA!
We'll see about that, my love...I hope you're wrong.

Credit Cards Begone!

If you haven't noticed, my moniker gives away a deep, dark, not so secret fact about me: I love to shop. Sure, it's a common trait for most women in their twenties, and really most women in general (sorry to out you ladies!) But for me nothing beats the process of point, click, discover, "add to bag", and checkout. Within minutes I can locate any item I so desire- and within a short waiting time it will arrive at my doorstep- all without leaving the comfort of my couch/bed/office chair...you get the idea.

Like most nasty little habits, this online shopping really rears its head in times of trouble. In the words of Rebecca Bloomwood, "When I shop the world gets better, the world is better; and then it's not anymore and I have to do it again." It seems through every stressful life event, I know I can always turn to my online fix fo a quick pick-me-up. Wedding stress due to 8 million vendor phone calls and bickering parents? Solved! Compliments of JCrew and all of its cute sundresses that completed my honeymoon wardrobe. Trying to land a new job but worried no one will hire me? Not to fear, with Ann Taylor's full Fall Collection now in my closet, I'm well armed for any interview! Now with bulging closets, a personal relationship with our UPS delivery guy, and a stack of worn out credit cards, I've decided it's time to re-evaluate.

As you may agree, life always has stressful events to deal out. The moment one storm has quelled, another one is rolling in. Thus, the totals of my shopping sprees are barely paid off when the next online extravaganza begins. So, here I sit after a year of nothing but those events: a flood that destroyed all my furniture, a wedding complete with family drama, a major job change with stress along the way, and all of the fun in between. Suze Orman would not be proud of my bank statements, but she would be proud of my newfound resolve to end it all. Sure, I hear snickering in the background, but I really mean it this time!

I officially informed the hubby we are on a cash/envelope/no credit card plan. His response? "Of course, no problem!"Funny, I thought it would be much harder to break the news to him...or maybe I had to announce it to fully acknowledge the dire change needed. Regardless, here goes! Wish me luck (I think I may need it).

The Decade of In-Between

I recently found myself "in between" many life stages- between marriage and baby, city and suburbs, debt and financial freedom, and mostly, a continuous need for change and contentment. What is it about this mysterious resting place in our twenties, that drives the need for continuous achievement and asking "what's next"?

I am equally thankful and resentful for this inner question, mostly because it has helped me achieve and be where I'm at today, but at the same time has hindered any periods of stalling out- or kicking up my feet to enjoy the time passing. Perhaps if I was more focused on socializing and staying in my college state of just being, I would currently be working as both a yoga instructor & a barista? Not that I resent either of those options- I am very thankful for both of those people in my life!

I guess what I'm trying to say, is the state of continuous need for change has helped propel me forward, but at the same point still makes me wonder when it all stops? Or when does it stall? Does one need kids, a four bedroom house, a summer home, the SUV, to slow it all down? Or is that just what we do to fill the empty space within?

I recently reconnected with an old friend who works for the Peace Corps, and I truly admired his lease on life. Sure he only makes $200 a month, but what did he truly need to live in a third world country? He was just as vibrant as I remember him being, and had the air of fulfillment. For a moment, I would've given anything to trade places...I remembered having that same spirit inside me.

I certainly don't have the answers, but appreciate that I at least ask the questions.